Chris' Journal

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Now you say, "Honk-shoo."
It's after 9 pm, and the girls were put in their beds an hour ago. But I just walked past their room and heard, right on the other dide of the door, loud fake snoring. It was very cute. Fake snoring is a new skill -- we've been reading a Sandra Boynton book called Snoozers. In one of the stories, at the end of each verse, the parent who's reading the story instructs the listening child "Now you say, 'I"m not tired."" -- until the final verse, when it's "Now you say, 'Honk-shoo.'" The girls follow their cues better with each reading, and it gets more and more fun to do.

picture this
A slim girl with fly-away blonde hair, in striped pink footie pajamas, on a wheeled pony, scooting away from you and saying "no, no, no!" Saying, not shrieking, but still definitely meaning it. That was Rebecca this morning after I suggested that we change her into a daytime outfit. She seemed for a moment to be a lovely and absolutely canonical example of 2-year-old-girl-ness. It was a nice moment. And, being Rebecca and not really all that difficult most of the time, she let me get her dressed ten minutes later.

better luck next time?
It's official: our surrogate is not pregnant; this cycle did not succeed. We have two more embryos and will use them to make one more attempt. If that doesn't work, well, at least we'll know our family is complete. I did so want one more time to watch a tiny baby unfold into a person... maybe. We'll see.

terrible knowledge
I really want to support and validate my daughters' feelings. So if one of them falls down and gets hurt, I pick her up, hold her, rock her, and say something like "you fell down and got hurt. It sounds like you're really upset. I know how you feel. I know. I know. I know," patting her back (or whatever I can reach) all the while. They seem to have concluded from this that "I know" is something you say (repeatedly) when things are bad. So now when one of them is upset, she'll say "I know. Iknow. I know." in this whining lilt that's really heard to take. It's as if they've acquired some terrible knowledge and all they can do is wail piteously "I know I know I know" because it's just that awful. Sigh.

DVD recs for 2-year-olds?
Up until now, the girls have not really gotten to watch videos, but we want to have some for them to watch on our upcoming plane trip to Hawai'i. I don't really know what to get, so I'm looking for recommendations. I'd rather avoid Teletubbies and Barney. What do/did your kids like? Is there anything they liked that you liked too, or at least didn't drive you crazy? Thanks for any input!!!!

mmm strawberry!
Today I had a sweet, soft, ripe, sun-warmed strawberry off a plant in my friend Linda's back yard. It was so fantastic... worlds better than Safeway, better even than the farmer's market. A moment to remember.

here we go again...
We did another embryo transfer today -- four embryos were thawed and placed the uterus of our surrogate, Candice. You can see some pics on her blog, which I've mirrored as an LJ feed. It's hard to say what the odds are. Two long weeks of waiting now until the blood test... wish us well.

five things make a post
For dinner last night, I made a quick curry using leftover chicken breast and -- gasp! -- curry powder. I have lots of cookbooks that give curry recipes with a combination of individual spices, but none with just plain curry powder, so I kind of had to wing it. I was pretty pleased with the result.

I have some friends visiting for brunch this weekend, so I wanted to tidy up the yard some. I spent 45 minutes this morning weeding while the girls pottered and got wet with their water table. They love the water table, and it means I can usually convince them to play there instead of in the half-barrel "water feature" that's meant for the birds. I pulled up most of the remaining lupines, now good and brown and crunchy and dead -- I left about 1/3 of the total to go to seed, and at this point they've fulfilled that function and were jsut making things look kind of arid. The weeds keep getting ahead of me, and I struggle to catch up once in a while. Big tall weeds make it easy to fill a bin fast, though, and that makes me feel very efficient!

The girls are not quite over their cold, so rather than taking them to the gym daycare I asked my mom to watch them for me. I did a full workout, weights *and* bike, for the first time in over a week. It felt good and I know it will help me keep feeling good.

I have a new iPhone and am enjoying it a lot. I keep experimenting with more toys and features. Today I tried "Genius", and iTunes thing that will take a song and build you a compatible playlist from your music collection (and suggest lots of new things to buy from the iTunes store, natch!). Only problem is, the song I picked to have it start from was Hank Williams's Why Don't You Love Me Like You Used to Do? Naturally enough, it built a set of mostly sad songs from that, and listening to them while I worked out got me a little down, maybe moreso because I'm tapering off Prednisone and thus kind of coming off a steroid high into a more normal way of being.

Michelle seems to have figured out doorknobs -- at least, she interrupted me twice in the shower yesterday, and Harold says he didn't let her in. I've put knob covers on all the doors through which they could get into serious trouble. Michelle went up to the one on the front door and siad "Off! Off!" She knows what she wants....

a first!

The girls have been taking a music class for a couple of months now. it's their first exposure to a setting where there's a teacher leading and everyone is doing (in theory) the same thing at the same time. It's a pretty gentle introduction: parents sit in a circle, kids sit on the laps, they can get around and wander any time they're feel the need to, there are plenty of active intervals (like free dance time), the tunes are catchy (and we have CDs to listen to them at home and in the car between classes), and it's not too long. The first class session Rebecca spent most of the time crying and it felt very hectic to me. Neither girl was much interested in doing what everyone else did. I was so impressed by little Stephanie, who sits on her grandma's lap and copies the teacher right away! (Of course, Stephanie looks like she may be 3 1/2 or 4 years old, and my girls are just about 2; that might account for some of the difference!)

Anyway, classes have gone increasingly smoothly (with an occasional bujmp) since the first one. The girls are getting more used to the environment, they have more of the idea of structured play, I'm better at getting them there on time and not hungry (snack 1/2 before we leave for class, faithfully, whether they think they need one or not!)

Anyway, today was the first time I didn't have to take either of them out of the class for any reason -- no extreme fussing, no can't-wait snack demands, not even a poopy diaper. I just got to sit in the circle, with both girls in my lap much of the time, not needing to chase after them to keep them out of the teacher's tote bag or anything. They didn't even put the rhythm instruments in their mouths... it was really nice -- easier on me, and nice to see that they are picking up on how to operate in a within a structured activity framework.

Of course, next week could be a whole new ballgame -- I recently posted about how they were suddenly overflowing with phrases and sentences, and then I didn't understand a thing Michelle said all afternoon!

in which we all feel much better
Michelle is a little grumpy today, but none of us is actually sick. A nice change. We're going to the park when Harold gets out of the shower -- his and the girls' first excursion since Friday.

in which we are viral
The whole family is in various stages of a tummy bug. Rebecca is over it, having been sick Wednesday and feverish Friday. Michelle was sick yesterday and is grumpy today. Harold was decidedly off color yesterday, then got up feeling better and took care of the girls for breakfast and two hours afterwards. Then he needed to go collapse, but sadly I was too dizzy to let him do that right away. Now I'm doing somewhat better, so he's napping in our bedroom while I do what I think of as "horizontal parenting" in the living room -- I'm lying on a sofa, reading the girls books when they bring them to me, and getting up when they need something or need to be stopped from doing somehting. We will doubtless all feel better in a day or two.

a wonderful day

I've just gotten back from a road trip encompassing a new-to-me needlework shop, a new-to-me restaurant, and my gastroenterologist. All three were good to wonderful in their own way.

First, the needlework store: Needle in a Haystack in Alameda. I got supplies for two upcoming projects. They're gifts, so I won't go into detail, but will just say that one is from the always-gorgeous, often intimidating Inspirations magazine and the other from Piecework, Interweave Press's magazine of historical needlework. The store is huge and full of wonderful things, including lots I've only seen in catalogs and magazines before now. Big, full of light. A whole wall of different needlework fabrics -- I wanted a particular count and make of linen, and could actually see two or three dozen colors right there, not just nasty little swatch photos. Fibers including hand-dyed silks (bought some of those), Anchor, DMC, Presencia... lots of cross-stitch patterns, but also bargello, Swedish weaving, blackwork -- again, many things I've only seen in catalogs. Embroidery books and info from the very hip Sublime Stitching transfers to the very elegant A-Z books from the publisher of Inspirations. Inspirations, Piecework, and other very specialty magazines, both current and back issues. I spent an hour and a half, happily picking project supplies and also taking in the beautiful trunk show they have right now, 2 or 3 dozen actual samples of the designs of Laura J. Perin, whose work I love. I'm currently stitching her Bluebonnet Collage:
and got a little technical advice about how to stitch the background. I had a wonderful time, and could have spent far more time (and far more money!) if I hadn't had that appointment to get to...

I tried a Vietnamese restaurant nearby that had lots of unusual things on the menu, including grilled vermicelli, stir fries, and sugar-cane shrimp -- stuff you don't see in every pho house. I tried a curried seafood soup that had soem interesting and notable herbal elements. I don't think I'll get that dish again, but I'll likely try the restaurant again.

And as for the GI -- well, I've been feeling really well on prednisone, and her hope and plan is to get me, if possible, to this good a remission on a less toxic set of drugs, without dropping me back down into being unpleasantly ill in the process. Sounds good to me! It's especially good news since earlier in our colaboration whe had thought some of my problems represented irreversible systemic damage. Since we see I can be this good on steroids, we can now look for other, better options. Yay!

about the girls
They're talking more and more, sometimes in sentences. I don't know that I can come up with specific quotes, they're both emitting such a word-storm these days. They still love books and have us read to them a lot, and they're shredding fewer books these days, though we still can't leave them unsupervised with library books.

They love blimps, airplanes, and helicopters, and point out every passing air vehicle when we're out and about, making me realize how very much sky activity I've been editing out as I go around. They adore dogs, but haven't started asking for one of their own -- just yet. Birds are also fascinating.

We go to a music class once a week and they're singing a lot at home. Rebecca knows more and more of Twinkle, Twinkle. She sings the bits she knows in the order they occur to her, and it's Very Cute.

Michelle is losing patience with diapers. A few times a week she takes her diaper off during her nap, and on a recent morning she (or they, or her sister) utterly destroyed the changing pad in their nursery. She's successfully used the potty a few times, but I'm not ready to put a big effort into the transition from diaper to potty, so for now we're still betwixt, between, and making some messes.

not this time
Candice, our surrogate, is not pregnant at this time. None of those three embryos was destined to be our third child. We can and will try again, fairly soon. Thanks to all for their hopes and encouragement along the way.

big day!
Our surrogate gets her pregnancy test today.... if it's positive, we then wait for ultrasound confirmation at 8 weeks or so. If it's negative, well, better luck next cycle...

In other news, I've been sick with Crohn's, but started prednisone yesterday and am feeling fully human again. it's toxic, but it's a great drug.

garden update

I spent about an hour weeding today and took a few pictures. As usual, these are all California native plants (with an occasional loose definition stretched to fit something especially nice). Here's our itty bitty "water feature":
barrel with juncus

The half-barrel with mini fountain has been there a while. The pot of reeds (Juncus effusus) is new. It's my first time trying to grow something with its feet in water like this, but the seller said it should be ok.
There are flowers everywhere. We have clouds of gilia:

a little lake of elegant clarkia:

Here's a closeup of that plant:

Here's an unusual and sweet color variation of California poppy:

Here's a Pacific Coast Hybrid Iris (this is where we start stretching those definitions a bit) among leaves of wild grape:

You can jsut see some baby grapes to the top left of the blossom.

Here's a different PCH iris:

I think I want to add more irises -- there are some really beautiful hybrids out there. I saw a fantastic yellow one with red veins on the recent native garden tour. But so far I'm trying not to plant much new this year. Even natives need water in their first year or two to get established, and this is a drought year. So I'm mostly dreaming for the future here. And what a future it may be! I did a lot of the early work on this garden while I was pregnant with Michelle and Rebecca. Who knows who else may grow up playing in it as well?

tomorrow is the big day

Tomorrow a UCSF physician will transfer 2 or 3 embryos into the uterus of our chosen surrogate, with the hope of having one more child. It's a big step, and

hzatz , who's been pretty stressed out recently, has been reminding me how much work, money, time, energy, and effort a third child would take. It's all true... but still, my overwhelming feeling is that there's one more child who's supposed to be in our family. I hope this is the right opportunity to make that a reality.

In Hebrew, a surrogate mother is called אמ פונדקית It's pronounced "eem pondkaeet", and it literally means "inkeeper mother". I love the image it brings up for me, of a warm, welcoming woman who's made it her business to provide a comfortable, well-equipped temporary home for those who need it. I'm very happy with our surrogate, Candice; she's a loving, positive person, and I think she'll provide lots of good vibes for our growing child, should we be so fortunate.

Wish us well.

PS Edited to add: because I learned so much of my Hebrew from reading Harry Potter in that language, פונדק will also always remind me of the Leaky Cauldron. 8^)

two quotes

I'm rereading There is Nothing Wrong with You by Zen Buddhist teacher Cheri Huber. I marked two sections of it for myself as espcially meaningful for me at this time. First:

This person who is trying to become lovable spends much time, attention, and energy trying to be good, earn approval, please others, BE PERFECT. It's like being on a journey and being completely lost -- going in the wrong direction but making really good time.

And second:

It is possible that with the awareness that you have been unkind toward someone, you might realize, in a gentle sort of way, "I don't want to do that. It doesn't feel very good." And it's not that you are a bad person, or even that you shouldn't be that way; it's just that you don't want to be unkind because it hurts your heart. When you are open to that awareness, you won't need to try to be different, for in that gentle approach, you will already have changed.

That "in that gentle approach, you will already have changed" rings so deep a chord for me. It's something I've experienced a few times, tried to capture again, and rarely could even accurately put words to. And it operates in so many realms. The example that comes to my mind is from weight loss. I've had so many battles with myself over this or that food that I "shouldn't" eat. Sometimes, when all the battle about whether I'm good or bad, denied or entitled, goes away, I simply know what I want to do. I get so caught up in the battle over where my ego stands in the matter that I can't begin to see that stepping away from the battle is the way to see clearly and make a calm decision. The tricky part is that that stepping away takes time and space. If life is crowded with incident and clutter and stuff-I-have-to-do, I can't do it.

I've been thinking over and over this year, prompted by many sources, that decluttering my space and time is what I need to do to move more serenely through life. With young twins, it might seem like an impossible goal, but on the other hand, as a mother of young twins, seeking a bit of serenity is a very self-nurturing thing to do. And something I've been finding is that it doesn't necessarily take any longer to be unhurried than to be rushed. I feel like I don't have time to stop at the end of a task and make sure it's complete, all the tools and debris put away (or that the girls won't tolerate that -- hey, who's the boss of whom here!? Just checking. 8^) But taking the time doesn't actually seem to mean I get less done, and at the end of the day I find I've done more that matters, and created less chaos in the process.

I did a great exercise once in a Breema (no time to explain, Google it yourself 8^) class. The instructor asked us to walk slowly and deliberately, feeling every bit of the contact between our feet and the floor, the full sequence of each step from firts contact through full contact through last contact and the journey through the air to the next step. Then when we had been doing this a while, she had us increase our velocity while maintaining the attention. Eventually we wre going quite quickly, without hurrying at all. Like a race car driver -- s/he's going at an immense speed, but if s/he hurries, lets her attention lapse, skips a step, it's all over.

As for decluttering my space, my spiritual directon had a great tool to offer me. If I keep as my kavanah (intention) that I want to declutter, then I make lots of little choices as I go that lead in that direction, without ever having to find big blocks of time for a Decluttering Project. Good thing, too, because big blocks of time are hard to come by around here.

Keeping these awarenesses, of wanting to go slowly, to declutter, to be open to all of experience instead of shooting by it with the blinds shut, is an ongoing struggle, and living this way is sometimes draining, used as I am to the other. Little steps, little steps.

parenting rite of passage
I spent 10 minutes today scrubbing crayon off of furniture and a toy today. Fortunately it was Crayola Washable, which really IS washable (and the only brand reliably so, in the opinion of my friend Linda, whose oldest is a good bit older than mine, and whose youngest is a slight bit older than mine, and who is a very practical and sensible person, and who therefore has good advice for me on many parenting topics). Also fortunately, they scribbled on some Ikea furniture and a dead PC keyboard and not, say, the unfinished wood heirloom toys that were nearby.

Much of the day was more fun than scrubbing, though -- I went on a native garden tour with my friend Carla and bought a couple of nifty plants (Western dogtooth violet, and a rush, Juncus effussus (sp?)).

The Decadent Chocolate Dessert
I made this to serve at our seder and it turned out really well. It's adapted from "The Very Easy Chocolate Dessert" in Mrs. Fields' I Love Chocolate cookbook, and adding some principles from Penny Eisenberg's Passover Desserts.

15 oz semisweet chocolate
1 pint cream
2 eggs
1 tablespoon brandy, vanilla extract, or other booze

You'll need a really heavy-bottomed saucepan, or else you could use a double boiler. You need a hand mixer, and you need a high tolerance for chocolate splatters. Beat the eggs and brandy in a bowl at high speed until they are thorougly mixed (no bits of white showing, and maybe a little frothy). Heat the cream and chocolate together over moderate heat, stirring constantly (with a spoon, not the mixer yet), until the chocolate melts and the mixture is uniform. At this point add the egg mixture. Beat at high speed over moderate heat for seven minutes, then remove from heat and beat two minutes more. (The seven minutes is to ensure complete cooking of the eggs, and is probably ridiculously conservative. A shorter time would probably work fine.) Be careful with your mixer cord while you're beating on the stove, please!

Pour the stuff into your serving bowl, or individual containers, and chill in fridge a few hours or overnight. Serve with whipped cream and a bit of fruit or a crispy cookie.

This stuff is yummy and dense, somewhere between a heavy chocolate mousse and a ganache. And it's kosher for Passover, without tasting like sawdust!

Enjoy, cautiously. 8^) Serves 10 or so.

Current Mood: satisfied